When she looks through your phone but all she can find is what is a margin call, can i get a refund on stock, best way to tell my wife i lost our life savings
Gentlemen, it is with great regret and displeasure to inform you that Women
You can't do it freehand. I can and I will. when you put it in without using your hand DICK WARLOCK STUNT COORDINATOR
You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie... What? Pastels?
40 year old divorced dudes setting their tinder age range like
When your girlfriend is arguing with her dad and she says "my boyfriend isn't scared of you!"
Many adults with ADHD find that they're most productive at night. They tend to hyperfocus on tasks and don't want to break their momentum. According to Dodson, after the sun goes down, they feel especially energetic and think more clearly. Plus, distractions tend to be low. Olivardia cited neurological research that found that the "ADHD brain is prone to a delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS)." Instead of having a typical circadian rhythm - with sleeping hours from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. - people have an irregular pattern of 2 a.m. to about 10 a.m., he said.
When you finally catch the person that's been writing bad code all the time
give me all of your bee syrup now. please dont take it from me my wife is pregnant. Fuck sorry. Wronge person. Plz ignore. Im normal i promise
anicent romans watching a guy get mauled by a lion
Me: there's no way we live in a simulation. Person: have you ever seen your neighbor bringing in groceries? Me:
How those dudes in 8th grade would look at u while showing you a cartel execution at 8:37 on an overcast Monday morning
roommate broke up with his gilfriend that cook for us
THIS CAR CUT US OFF IN TRAFFIC TODAY. I'M NOT EVEN MAD.
when you write 10 lines of code without searching on Google. It ain't much, but it's honest work
TREAT ME LIKE A PRINCESS, LOL
After Putin call, Trump says negotiations to eradicate Disney adults have begun.
I do 50 to 60 job interviews in here everyday. I never hire anyone. But about half the applicants buy a drink from the vending machine after I subtly encourage them to. I make $300 a day in passive income with this method
Me: I think I'm gonna cum. Her: Hold on... Just think about the holocaust or something trag-
"I'm on my period" yeah but those feet aren't
my memes you guys
Mario @PawlowskiMario 12h In a 1000 years people won't know how real JD Vance looked like
“but chuddha what if-“ “it wont”
Jesus watching me raw dog a married woman in the parking lot of a Chuck E Cheese while our kids play the games inside. Oh hell yeah these are the sins I died for
White women searching for a personality after none of their rights changed under Trump
RED NOSE DOUGHNUT x4 NOT SUITABLE FOR VEGETA
How dudes be smiling at you when they find your mom's OF account
Excuse me, you need a license to be that cute. You're way over the legal limit. I'm gonna need to see some registration. Oh, no! I'm sorry officer. I seem to have left my purse at home. I don't have my license or registration. POW POW POW POW *Reload* POW POW POW POW
THE VIRGIN TARIFFS WORRIER THE CHAD "WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS Lmao" -panics over trade policy -doesn't give a shit -gets all of his news from the Los Angeles Times -sits back and relaxes -fights with people on World of Warcraft -gets all of his news from the Los Angeles Times -obsesses over imports and exports unbothered king -sits back and relaxes
Me: I'm going out with the boys tonight My gf: Have fun! oh your dad is coming to help fix the TV so you can stay out as late as you want. You can even sleepover there, it's okay with me! Me:
"dude I'm not kidding, you just walk around in one of those fancy Dr. coats and girls will show you their vaginas"
I'm no longer supporting SpaceX and will change my support to NASA. I refuse to support any organization that hires Nazis. NASA:
Woman Texting Group Chat About Crush Double-Checks That 'Atlantic' Editor Not in Here
When she looks up at you while giving you some of that “I'm sorry I made you mad” head, but you ain't over it yet
when the school shooter decides to spare your life, but you have tourette syndrome and call him pussy 3 times
America owns Gaza, Dylan Mulvaney in a Bud Light ad
Is the Cure to Male Loneliness building B2B SaaS with the homies?
Alice @AerithsSeat. 3h OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA DO IT AGAIN CNN Breaking News @CNNFa... 3d BREAKING: Former President Bush announces that he has "something big" planned for the twentieth anniversary of 9/11.
“if I stand up right when the plane lands, I can get off quicker" - these assholes
Girls be talking up a big game in txts but once you get them in bed they be like ANIMORPHS Everything changes. But not quite like this, Watch ANIMORPHS on TV The Separation K. A. Applegate
WHEN YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH A GIRL BUT YOU SEE A BIKE WITH NO LOCK
Trump saw "free Palestine" posters and said "hey, I'll take it"
Born too late to deploy to the Middle East Born too early to deploy to the Middle East Born just in time to deploy to the Middle East
Women: Omg, men can't find the clitoris A dick after a woman's handjob:
Judges in 2040: “Chat, 50 gifted and I'll give him life."
GET IN LOSER WE'RE RETAKING CONSTANTINOPLE
I feel like this event was born out of a lie that got out of hand..
NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE WITHOUT KNOWING THE WHOLE STORY. I HATE HIM. HE DOESN'T DESERVE A TIP. SELFLESSNESS. STRUGGLE. UNNECESSARY HATE. Landlords. ENSURING YOU SAFE LIVING
my organs watching me take 800mg of ibuprofen on an empty stomach and chase it with 2 energy drinks
YOU MAY BE SAVAGE BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE RICK RUDE WEARING HIS OPPONENT'S WIFE ON HIS CROTCH SAVAGE
When you are an American father and ask your son what comes before 15, and he answers 14 instead of "AR" *Sad bald eagle noises*
What does a Predator see after chasing me for 15 seconds : He'll die on his own...
Parents: you should be saving money for the future. The future:
King Charles is launching his own Apple Music radio show to showcase his favorite music. Whether you're a peasant or a king the urge to make a podcast burns like a thousand suns within all of us men
Iran talkn crazy like this president dont got 34 felonys, 3 bms and got popped. Siri play many men
Supposedly the moon landing is not a hoax. Can you present facts on why it's real? Not just "because le government said it happened, so it must be real". You can look through a telescope and see tracks the moon rovers made. NASA hand-drew those on every telescope.
ELONNN ELONNNNNNNNN DONT GIVE BANGLADESH INTERNET ACCESS ELONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN Starlink now available in Bangladesh!
YOU WOULDN'T finish A task
Every woman in New York, if Instagram existed during 9/11
How some of y'all gonna look when I become a ghost
You've just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You've loaded up Oblivion on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2025
When you finally meet your internet friends irl
Oops, sorry animal kingdom. Looks like I just learned how to throw a fucking rock. Guess your entire evolutionary arms race is just fucked. This is my planet now.
this store still has happy birthday stuff out even though my birthday was back in july
Girl 1: should we invite sara? Girl 2: No, we only know her for 6 months! Meanwhile Boys after bombing each other: G20 OSAKA SUMMIT 2019
I thought isreal and iran were the same thing
Treatment Resistant DEPRESSION Ketamine CharlestonKetamineCenter.com Words cannot describe the billboard I just saw
"Ok, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen the handle 'AryanAssRaper' and not made those kinds of death threats. But, Margaret, he was 39 when he wrote that. Don't you get to blow off a little steam at 39? Let's give the guy a break."
I DEMAND BETTER PAY THAN JOHN! EQUALITY FOR WOMEN NOW! YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED NOR YOU BEEN WITH ME COMPANY AS LONG EARN THE SAME... STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS YOU SEXIST PIG! WAIT, WHAAA? YOU'RE PAYING, RIGHT? OR WHAT? ARE YOU NOT A MAN?
>tfw lived long enough to see Ubisoft go fucking bankrupt
Draw me like one of your French girls
nick @olasnic_ · 19h In this house, Luigi Mangione is a hero, end of story. 159 10.1K 84.9K 2.8M
You held every workplace in America hostage to toxic, morbidly obese, purple-haired goblins so now you get to be fired by 19yr old white kids with an IQ of 184. I don't make the rules. "Bro fr what do you even do here?"
Rook at me! My name is Jeff, how about that footbar game? Boy I rove avocado toast hahahah
WHEN I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER I MEANT STUFF LIKE THIS... NOT CLEAN THE BASEMENT AND WASH THE DISHES
When men are in charge of hiring: When women are in charge of hiring:
The Masculine Daydream where you stay behind to hold off a pursuing force while your loved ones escape.
FAR LEFT, FAR RIGHT, ANTISEMITISM
No one: Fish in grocery stores: We really roasting dead fish now. They do be like that tho
I GOT LOCKJAW DOING GRAVEYARD SHIFTS AT THE Dicksucking Factory AND ALL I GOT WAS LOCKJAW AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED
My father spent three years restoring this. It is his love, it is his passion. It is his fault he didn't lock the garage
me: let's rewrite the CSS my website:
Mr. November just fucked me over @DoctorPazuzu this image is from 1993 MY ANTI DEPRESSANTS JUST KICKED IN ! FANTASTIC ! GAY! vroom vroom!
Me: *cries and screams in front of people because wants ice cream* Mom: "we have ice cream at home" Ice cream at home:
When you realize you can freely drive around with swastikas on your Tesla and people will just assume it got vandalized.
me 12 redbull vodkas deep and halfway thru an 8ball going up to the milf at the bar to ask if it's her 25th birthday
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Behold a Square. A shape with four sides of equal length, with four right angles.
In America, even our guns have guns
I kill everything I fuck, I fuck everything I kill
Excuse Me, My boyfriend asked for breast milk in his coffee!
Would you fuck your friends for $10 Billion? My homie. Me soon to be a multibillionare
When she finds out you have a meme page
Her son watching me sprinkle the cheese on his last pizza lunchable at 2am
>sees a guy perform straight up sorcery >betrays him Was Judas retarded? Even on the off chance he WASNT the son of God you're still messing with some high level wizard
A SCHIZOPHRENIC RACIST IS TALKING listen and learn
wtf.. being ur imaginary gf is so tiring babe.. can u pls take ur fucking meds i wanna disappear